Proposals

I wonder now how many girls will be proposed to today-
And how many will say “yes” when they mean it
And how many will say “yes” when they don’t

I often wonder how many girls are oppressed by their lovers
Who care more for their mans’ bodies by a million miles than for their innocent beauties’ hearts
But in the same breath I wonder how many lovers this afternoon are genuinely in love
And thinking of each other
And how many of them were willing to make it work
To work to make things good again
And thinking of each other yet, encore, because they are yet in love
I wonder how many lovers are at work right now dreaming
Dreaming of o’clock at the fifth hour when
When into their lovers’ arms they will race from the office dreary with grey shades and tones
And I wonder how many lovers will embrace today then, in the driveway or inside the front door
How many wives will tug off their husbands’ ties in that ecstatic moment
When an afternoon of dreaming will collapse into the temporal world
Will collapse into several moments of acting out ecstatic dreams
And then united again in love they will cook their dinners or share their visions for the day
Share their life together, live their lives together with the one that they love
And remember how strong their love turned out to be when against all odds, fighting against the world, they
Held on
I wonder how many girls tomorrow will remember when they were proposed to and when they said “yes”
And when they lived happily, thrilled to be in love, yet made it work against all odds
When they tug off their husbands’ ties in that ecstatic moment
When an afternoon of dreaming will collapse into the temporal world
And I wonder how many oppressed girls will remember with dread they day that they said “yes”
When they didn’t mean it

Prologue

“The beast within, Oh him
That beast within
To whom is his allegiance concerned?
Not to you, and this I know”

And now, ten months eleven months or a year later, I know
I know I did not kill him
Somebody did, but it surely as the fire was never me
As surely as the fire of the place where beasts go to burn, I know Somebody killed him
And I know that it was not me


I

“I don’t know!”
As much as explanations come and go, that’s all the hell
of one that I have had ever will have
I’ll never have any words of comfort about it except that-
So don’t come looking for them, except that-
And that’s me saying that I don’t want to wake up to your text messages anymore;
Or stop and chat or take a look back cursory glance when I hear your voice in line at the mail room,
Except that-
My only, only really singularly and lonely explanation
For
You
That I will ever have!
Is that
My hear t had just been broken, three times
First my father’s untimely and ultimately tragic death, and the loss of my entire way of life with him
My heart shaken, and poured out for the family, or what was left of it, left behind in that horse field like horse crap where
My world ended by God’s hand or an arrhythmia or whatever the hell it was that killed him
And do you remember how I told you when I met you
That I didn’t believe in the “love?”
And how I didn’t want any part of a life where we bother with love to have it shatter splatter all over us like Mud or piss
Or something else
Do you remember that?
And how somehow you worked your way into my heart, when I wanted to be left alone and be friends only?
And I’m not psychotic shaking or angry about that, don’t feel bad about working your way somehow
Into my dead-cold heart
Back then
The summer after my old dad’s untimely and tragic death
We had fun for a couple of summertime weeks
Until I realized after you left me
That you loved someone else
And I was angry because
I
Didn’t even want to mess with, didn’t even believe in whatever the hell it was that people call the “love”
Or be messed with
So why did you ever let yourself into my heart in the first place, just to leave me for that man?
After you knew, after I told you all about how
I had been abandoned once by a woman and twice by death
So if that helps you to understand how I felt after we were done with our two weeks
And how betrayed and cheated angry, so freaking angry, I was for that brief summer
Until
I met a school teacher who I thought that I loved
But didn’t really, because I didn’t understand “love”
And all of the sudden, I believed in love?
Why, how; how?
Though I realize now what I realize
And a grande old timey, storybook realization it is

II

But what we had was not a storybook
What we had was not a storybook for me
It was a lesson in manipulation, toying, and
Irony, most of all
And in realizing how dark my soul could be when I wanted to do evil
And I wanted to do evil to you!
And for that, my God, I am sorry
But I, I really was devastated when you left me
And I burned on the inside, and I hated you for it
I hated you for all of it
And I still hated you, and was never softened by my supposed love for a school teacher
(Which is why it was never real)
That summer
And when you came back to town in the fall,
God!
I was infuriated
And the beast within wanted you to suffer like I suffered
And for that I am truly, deeply apologetic
Sorry
Falling on my face, sorry

III

It was the beast within me that
“Made me do it”
Even though it was my beast, and it was me who did it to you
So I did it, and there is no good way or way around it at all
I was out to hurt you at first, poor girl
And that’s just how it was
My heart had been broken
And so I wanted yours broken
How evil is that?
But that, you see, is, deplorably, how things began
And when I told you in the fall that I was in love with someone else
And I told you to just, “Leave me alone!”
And refused to even look into your begging, imploring, pleading “Please take me back!” eyes
Well
I was just wanting, wanting you to get what you deserved for breaking my heart

III.5

I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t know!
I don’t know why, that when that schoolteacher broke my heart for the third consecutive breaking
Abandoned me, again
And two months later
I don’t know why I finally gave it to your requests for me to see you
I don’t know why I let you in
Again
Because I know damn sure that I hadn’t forgiven you
But there you were, waiting for me to look your direction, whisper your name, love you back
After so many months of you apologizing for leaving me the first time
I, oh me, I needed things
It’s part of being an un-crucified man
It isn’t pleasant, I assure you
The beast
But it isn’t just that beast
I needed an emotional fallback
So I, I took one
And it was you
And then,
Well,
Then I realized that you actually, loved me?
“But love isn’t real”
Even though it turned out that it was real for you

To be honest, I don’t know why you ever loved me
I never did a good thing to you in my life
I was a beast
I was, evil, to you
I was unworthy of love at all, un-lovable
And I sent you away, dear heart,
Because I woke up one day and realized that you,
No matter how much you loved me,
You could not cure my lonely heart
And so I sent you away
And so I broke yours, because mine was broken first


IV

But, God!
This time, I’m really in love!
This time I’m truly in love!
With my one and only, literally only
If it wasn’t for her I’d die alone ‘till old age, only true love
In love
Can’t you see that?
This time I understand love
I’m sorry for what I did to you
And I very nearly died for it
And you very nearly died for it
And I had to explain things that I never should have had to explain to anyone to someone
But I’m very truly in love now
And I’m very truly loved back
And if it’s any consolation, the beast is dead
Killed with the same hammer strokes and gall that killed the Christ
Dead, dead
Thank-God-wrist-shaking-when-I-think-about-it, dead
The beast is oh-so-dead
And I just want to live ‘till old age bid me part with my loved one, now
Please
I’m sorry for everything, and I regret it all
And I hope that memories of me don’t keep you up at night
I had no excuse, other than that I was wholly and incomprehensibly evil to you
But, please, stop coming around
I just want to live ‘till old age bid me part with my true loved one, now
Just let me love who I want to love
And go out and find somebody better than me
Please

Since May of 2010,

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The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He maketh me lay down in pastures green, He leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Ye, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for the Lord is with me;
Your rod and staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

The massive cries resonate in the beer halls,

in the concert stands and bandshells, in the memorials and in the gun-barrels and oil-fires of our angry and chaotic world; but where is our humanity? Where is our Enlightenment? Will we regress from humanism into pure rage and religious fundamentalism across this tiny globe, erasing the progress of former centuries, and allow the world to melt around us? What will stop the tide that came in first on this day in the 2001 year? Religious extremism, without check by reason and natural law, will tear the world down if we let it. The most terrifying condition of this whole mess is that more and more in droves, Americans themselves are embracing extremist fundamentalism. Even though it is not fundamentalist Islam, the new American religion of "Rage" is just as dangerous.

Thirty days has September,
And I'll spend them pouring through 30 photos-a-day.
Freed by the internets of my physical body,
Living reality in a God-forsaken digital unreality.
Or I could throw this away,
And spend my thirty days in a marvelous enterprise.
A living world - I could live in a living picture,
And in this masterpiece, I, I could become the artist.